AN ODE TO THE KEYS ON BELT GUY

A man of importance. After all, you can open all sorts of doors. Silver and gold tokens of access hang from a single belt loop of your black Lee jeans. A gentle jingle-jangle lets everyone know that Brut will soon be tantalizing our nostrils. The keys are accented with many clips and bottle openers, just in case you want to get hammered and climb a cliff face. A single Iroc Camaro key solidifies the fact that you are indeed, a man of great importance. You walk through parkades and parking lots alike scratching cars with a single bump. After all, who gives a f#$@, it's no Iroc. You can open the janitors room, the copy room, hell......you can take all kinds of highlighters from the supply room. What lady doesn't love unlimited highlighters? When going to the club, you like to hang your keys a little closer to the crotch region. Women are like seagulls, they love shiny things. See that special girl, she's eyeing you up like the Auto Trader. She wants you. A slight turn on your part, reveals the secret weapon. The FANNY PACK. You stud!!! How can a woman resist a tag team like that? It's like fishing with dynamite. Oh look out now, it seems your sheer sexual magnitude is making the boys jealous. Sure, they mock you. Poke fun. But you've got your eye on the prize, and you'll open every door in your way. And once you perfect the sweatpants and keys combination, you'll be unstoppable.

Chad McDonald III Jr. Esquire